Posted By: Zaba (I'd rather be skiing!) on 'Humor'
Title:     christmas party
Date:      Sat Dec 16 04:17:01 2000

> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees RE: Christmas Party
> DATE: December 1
> RE: Christmas Party
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place
> on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open
Pit
> Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
> playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
> surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
> will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done
at
> that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of
> gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
employees! A
> special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! 
> Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> 
> ********************
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: December 2
> RE: Holiday Party
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.
> We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday which often
coincides
> with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now
on
> we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
employees
> who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas
tree
> present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music
for
> your
> enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family.
> Patty
> 
> *****************
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: December 3
> RE: Holiday Party
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy
> to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
> "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle
> this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange - no gift exchanges are
> allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
> executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
> NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED.
> 
> ********************
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> To: All Employees
> DATE: December 7
> RE: Holiday Party
> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
> Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
> daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a
> luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
> beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the
end
> of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else
package
> everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile,
> I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from
the
> dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
> restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have
> to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be
a
> flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
> permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will
have
> booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for
those
> on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest for
> those people
> with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as
> dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts.
> Sorry!
> Did I miss anything?
> Patty
> 
> ******************
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: December 8
> RE: Holiday Party
> So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do,
a
> tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
burning
> of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll
try
> to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
> Okay??? Patty
> 
> *****************
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: December 9
> RE: Holiday Party
> People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up
> like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
> "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
> suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
> feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
> Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their
> mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will
get
> a notification in the mail sent to your home.
> 
> ************************
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
> DATE: December 10
> RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday <<mailto:%#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
> 
> I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the
%#&^!@
> do I care... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your
> address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address
will
> be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will
> have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
> Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this
> party at Luigi's
> Open Pit barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
> the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put
it,
> and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.
But
> you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them.
> I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA! I hope
you
> all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
> 
> *******************
> FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 14
> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
> from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards
to
> her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel
> our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
> full pay.
> Happy Holidays!